This guy goes to a whorehouse and says to the Madam, "I want to get screwed." 

The Madam tells him to go up to room #12 and knock on the door. The guy walks up to the door, knocks on it, and says,  "I really want to get screwed, bad!" 

A very sexy voice replies "Just slide $20 under the door." 

So the man slides the $20 under the door and waits... Nothing Happens! He knocks on the door again, and yells out  "I want to get screwed!"

The sexy voice behind the door answers, "Again?"

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message.  The man returned just before the conclusion of the service.  Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.

"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

FIRST OPERATION

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.  The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about.  I had that done when I was four.  They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born.  I couldn't walk for a year!"

DEFINITIONS BY GENDER

THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood. male:   The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male:   Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male:   Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male:   what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal.  Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male:   Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male:   Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens)  n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male:   An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male:   Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male:   A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.

PLAYING WITH GRANDPA

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No."

The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."

The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."  So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother no and I'm telling you no."

The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"

The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney world!"

TWO NUNS

Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies.  One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL).  It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?

SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical.  He wants to have his way with us.

SM: Oh, no!  At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most.  What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.

SM: It is not working.

SL: Of course it is not working.  The man did the only obvious thing to do.  He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do?  At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split.  You go that way and I'll go this way.  He cannot follow both of us.

So the man decided to go after Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical  has not yet arrived.  Finally, Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical!  Thank God you are here!  Tell us what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.  The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.

SM: So, what happened?  Please tell us.

SL: The only logical thing to happen.  I started to run as fast as I could.

SM: So what happened?

SL: The only logical thing to happen.  The man also started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And what else?

SL: The only logical thing to happen.  He reached me.

SM: Oh, no!  What did you do then?

SL: The only logical thing to do.  I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister.  What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.  He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no!  What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?  A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down!

THE PARROT

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.

The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!

She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work theparrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said,"Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."