SEEING EYE DOG

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye dog one day.  They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.  A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie?  He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."

New Driver

Martin had just received his brand new driver's license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.

"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

STAND BY YOUR MAN

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.  One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.  When my business failed, you were there.  When I got shot, you were by my side.  When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

Red Man

Once upon a time, there lived a little red man, and he lived in a little red house. He was having a bath in his little red bath tub when the doorbell rang. So he got out of his little red bath tub and put his little red towel around his waist. He ran down his stairs and opened the door to the milkman. Suddenly, his towel slipped off, and the milkman gasped in horror and ran for his life. He darted across a road, still terrified, and was tragically run over. The moral of the story: Never cross the road when the little red man is flashing!

ADVICE FOR YANKEES MOVING SOUTH

1.  Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

2.  Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can.  Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3.  If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic.  Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly.  Don't try to help them.  Just stay out of their way.  This is what they live for.

4.  Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

5.  Remember: "Y'all" is singular.  "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

6.  Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

7.  Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone.  They don't understand you either.

8.  Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

9.  If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way.  These are likely the last words he will ever say.

Movies

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. "Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. "I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him."

"And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg. "Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly.

"And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.

"I'll be Bach," said Arnie.

SON-IN-LAW

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.  "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man.  "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories.  I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law.  "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law.  "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law.  "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office.  What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."