For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of the USA is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

God created woman, and she had three breasts.
He said to the woman,
"Is there anything on you that you'd like to change?"
She said, "Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?"
God snapped his fingers and it was done.
She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand,
"What am I going to do with this useless boob?"
Thus God created man.

Two babies were sat in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other,
"Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling.
"I'll climb into your crib and find out."
He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.
After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
"You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy,
"you've got pink booties and I've got blue ones."

Ever look at the Help wanted ads and wonder what they really mean
Here is our guide to Job Search Lingo

**"Competitive Salary"
We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.

**"Join our fast-paced company"
We have no time to train you.

**"Casual work atmosphere"
We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

**"Some overtime required"
Some every night and some every weekend.

**"Duties will vary"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

**"Must have an eye for detail"
We have no quality assurance.

**"Career-minded"
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

**"Apply in person"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled.

**"Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience"
You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.

**"Problem-solving skills a must"
You're walking into perpetual chaos.

**"Requires team leadership skills"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

**"Good communication skills"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

The other side of the coin ....
Phrases for you to use in an interview:

**"I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization"
I've used Microsoft Office.

**"I'm honest, hard-working and dependable"
I pilfer office supplies.

**"I take pride in my work"
I blame others for any mistakes.

**"I'm personable"
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

**"I am very adaptable"
I've changed jobs a lot.

**"I am on the go"
I'm never at my desk.

**"I'm highly motivated to succeed"
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming.
He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention.
"Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
"Just find out about the people who arrive.
Ask about their background, their family, and their lives.
Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
"Sounds easy enough. OK."
So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.
The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man.
Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him.
Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward.
"Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son?
Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper.
The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, "Why'd you do that?
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."
Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.
He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his
window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road, big mouth, you're gonna say,
"I wish that sucker would've tried that crap with me!'"

A Texan dies and goes to hell. While down there the devil notices that the Texan is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 100 degrees and about 80% humidity.
So he goes over to the Texan and asks why he's so happy. 
The Texan says, "I really like it here.
The temperature is just like Dallas in June."
The devil isn't happy with the Texan's answer and decides to fix him, so he goes over and turns up the temperature to 120 degrees and the humidity to 90%.
After turning everything up he goes looking for the Texan.
He finds him standing around unbuttoning his shirt, just as happy as can be.
The devil quizzes the Texan again as to why he's so happy.
The Texan says, "This is even better. It's like Houston in July." 
The devil, now really upset, decides to make the Texan really understand that hell is no paradise.
He walks over to the controls and turns the heat up to 140degrees and the humidity to 100%.
"Now let's see what the Texan is up to," he thinks.
So he goes looking for the Texan.  The devil finds the Texan taking his shirt off basking in the heat, even happier than before.
The devil can't figure it out. He asks the Texan why he's happy now.
The Texan replies, "This is great, it's just like Brownsville in August."  The devil says,
"That's it, I'll get this guy." He walks over and turns the temperature down to a freezing 25 degrees below zero.
"Now let's see what the Texan has to say about this," the devil thinks to himself.
He looks around and finds the Texan jumping up and down for joy.
"What are you so happy about now," ask the devil.  Still excited, the Texan replies, "The Rangers have finally won the world series!"

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested she move to economy since she didn¦t have a first class ticket. 
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful,
I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak to her.
He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving.
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said,
"I' m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." 
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear.
She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked the captain what he said to her.  The captain replied:
"I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."