Once upon a time there was a stork family - papa stork, mama stork and baby stork. 
One evening papa stork didn't show up for dinner.
Mama stork and baby stork left the food out for him but he didn't come home at all that night. 
When papa stork finally did come home the next day, baby stork asked "Papa stork, where were you last night?"
"Out making a young couple very happy," replied papa stork.
Several weeks later, mama stork was late for dinner. 
Baby stork and papa stork waited a while, and then gave up and ordered pizza. 
Mama stork didn't come home until late the next morning. 
When mama stork did come in, baby stork asked "Mama stork, where were you last night?"
"Out making a young couple very happy," replied mama stork.
Later in the fall, baby stork was late for dinner. 
Papa stork and mama stork were worried. 
Their anxiety increased when baby stork still wasn't home by sunset. 
They both waited up late for baby stork but he didn't come in until early in the morning. 
His feathers were rumpled and unkempt. Papa stork barked, "Where the hell were you, baby stork?" as his tired son dragged himself over the threshold.
"Out scaring the bejesus out of college students," replied baby stork.

A junior high school principal had a problem with girls who were starting to use lipstick. 
When applying it in the bathroom they would blot their lips on the mirrors, leaving lip prints.
So he spoke to the teachers and asked them for their help. 
They promised they would speak to the girls, but after two weeks, the situation didn't improve at all.
He called a few of the girls parents who were his friends for their advice, but to no avail. The mirrors were constantly a mess.
Finally he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered together all the girls who wore lipstick. He then took them into the bathroom and lectured about how hard it was to clean the lipstick off the mirrors.
You could see the young girls smiling at each other, all nodding publicly but smirking to one another.
The principal then asked the custodian, who was present, to demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors.
The custodian took a long handled brush, dipped it into the toilet and vigorously rubbed the lipstick off the mirror.
From that day forward, the mirrors stayed lipstick free.

One Line Groaners ......

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.

Hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam".

What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
. . . and what kind of lettuce?
Iceberg.

The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.

A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have died and are in line together at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter speaks with them and asks them what good they have done in their lives.
The doctor says, "I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for and healing thousands of people.
St. Peter replies, "That's great. Go ahead into heaven.
And what about you?"
The nurse states, "I have supported the Doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult, have taken time to explain things
to patients and have helped them lead healthy lives."
"Wonderful. Please proceed in with the Doctor.  And what about you?"
The HMO executive says, "I was the president of a very large Health Maintenance Organization. I was responsible for the health care of millions of people all over the country.
St. Peter says, "Oh, I see. Please go on in ... but you can only stay two nights!"

Some things to Think About .....

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Hard work will pay off later. Laziness pays off now!

If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

Four out of five people think the fifth is an idiot.

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

ENDLESS LOVE: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

It's lonely at the top but you eat better.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

Digital circuits are made from analog parts.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

A company is judged by the president it keeps.

The faulty interface lies between the chair and the keyboard.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.

Windows 98 ......
a 64 bit file system patch on a
32 bit extension and a graphical shell for a
16 bit patch to an
8 bit operating system originally coded for a
4 bit microprocessor, written by a
2 bit company, that can't stand
1 bit of competition.

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight.
After the plane was  airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. 
The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed before him. 
The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. 
Falwell replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. 
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. My husband just walked in the door."