What a drag it is getting old......
When I went to lunch today, I noticed this lady about 75-80 years old sitting on a bench near
The food court and she was sobbing her eyes out.
I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said: "I have a 22 year old husband at home.
He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee."
I said: "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said: "he makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon."
I said: "Well so why are you crying?"
She said: "For Dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite desert and then makes love to me until 2:00am."
I said: "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!!!"

In the rest room an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.
The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels before he finished.
He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan, we were taught to be clean."
The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from USC California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said,
"I graduated from the University of Wyoming and they taught us not to pee on our hands.

What goes through a cat's mind
Monday - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the satisfaction from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Tuesday - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to throw up on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

Wednesday - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

Thursday - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan......
 
Friday - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Saturday - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Sunday - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to molespeak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark:
"That's Strange!"

Two Priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now,
but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for a week, but you can't go back as Priests. So what else would you like to be?"
The first Priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring high above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," said St. Peter, and, "POOF," the first Priest is gone
The second Priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this new action on Earth 'count' on my Heavenly tally?"
"No, son, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing this time around."
"In that case," says the second Priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud!"
"So be it," said St. Peter, and the second Priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two Priests.
"Will you have any difficulty locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asks the Lord.
"Near as I can tell, he's on a snow tire, somewhere in a North Dakota blizzard."

Groucho Marx quotes:

"Say! You haven't stopped talking since we got here! You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle!"

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said "I was just whispering in her mouth".

"Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first."

"Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?

"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does."

"The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open."

"Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse."

"Marriage is the chief cause of divorce."

"She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party."

"Why don't you go home to your wife?  Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."

"She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."

"I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's because I haven't been writing."

List of excuses for not showing up at work on Monday

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet....

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly elog (pi) on all the clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.