Just after this guy gets married, he was invited out for a night with "the boys." He accepts and then tells his new bride not to worry, because that he'd "be home by midnight...promise!"
Well, the darts were landing just right and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. drunk as can be the guy finally stumbles home Just as he gets in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed three times. Quickly he realized she'd probably been woken up by the clock, so he cuckooed another nine times to make her think it was midnight. He was really proud of himself, having the quick wits even when smashed -- to escape a possible conflict.
Next morning the missus asked him what time he got in and he tells her,
"12 o'clock, dear!" Whew! Got away with that one!
"Hmmm, I think we need a new cuckoo clock." she says over her morning coffee.
"Why is that?" the husband asks.
"Well, it cuckooed three times, said 'shit,' cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, cleared its throat; cuckooed two more times, and then giggled."

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.
"Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood.
A few actually smirked.
But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team.
"Women's brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."

Wake up a smile in your face with these one-liners guaranteed to crack a grin ;-)

Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Problem with the gene pool ...... no lifeguard.

Some days it just doesn't pay to gnaw through the straps...

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Never knock on Death's door:  Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

I can resist anything but temptation

All good things in moderation ..... including moderation

I don't have a problem with willpower It's won't power I have a problem with

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

Life is sexually transmitted.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

HUMAN BEHAVIOR LAWS OF NATURE

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

"The Law of Motivation"
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

"Boob's Law"
You always find something in the last place you look.

"Law of Impossibility"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.

"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.

"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.

"Law of Drunkenness"
You can't fall off the floor, but you can hold on to the grass and try not to fall of the edge of the world.

Groucho Marx had excellent lines, I steal them all the time
See below if you don't believe me

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you.  He really is an idiot.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Two men are talking in the bar sharing their sob stories.
One man says, "I had the worst Freudian Slip the other day."
The other man responds, "What is a Freudian Slip?"
"You know, it's when you mean to say one thing, but you say something else that reveals what you are really thinking about. Like the other day I was at the airport and this really beautiful lady was helping me. Instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh', I asked her for 'to Pickets to Tittsburgh."
The second replies, "Oh, now I know what you are talking about. It's like the other day when I was having breakfast with my wife. I wanted her to pass me the Orange Juice, and instead I said, "YOU RUINED MY LIFE!"

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store.
In fact it was the biggest store in the City
"Have you ever been a salesman before?
"Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad; The boss liked the cut of him and said,
"You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5o'clock came around. The boss arrived and asked, "How many sales did you make today?
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one?" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?
"Thirty-eight thousand, three hundred and thirty-four dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well" said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one."I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines.Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him a new Suburban."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No,answered the salesman.; "Actually, he came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.""