Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table.
A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."
With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"
She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. 
"YES! I WIN! I WIN!"
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.
The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"

Two blonde builders were working on a house.
One blonde was on a ladder nailing.
She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.
The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"
The second blonde explained, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!"

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!' The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat. Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!' Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem.
The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.
The teacher suggested they try some biology questions... 'What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?' asked the teacher.
'Legs!' Larry immediately replied.
"What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?' asked the teacher.
'Pockets!' said Larry.
The teacher looked at the principal, who said, 'Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!'

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on
St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven.
St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him.
St. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked.
"Let me go find out." and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months... and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered,
"Are we stuck together forever?"
St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."
"Great," said the couple, "but what if things don't work out?
Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?", asked the frightened couple.
"COME ON!" St. Peter shouted,
"It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?" 

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation.
As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few" he asks.
"No, not at all" the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few."
"Oh that's all right" the woman says.
"Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."

Useless Facts ....

It's Holiday weekend and you may end up at a cookout or some type of function, here are some useless fact to annoy/amaze your friends with

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.

Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.

Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.

All porcupines float in water.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses.
The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

The airplane Buddy Holly died in was called "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)

If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will not be heads 5,000 times, but more like 4,950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the  cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life."

Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy. The skipper's real name on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's newscast about the wreck.
                                                  
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

A visitor to San Francisco is standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when he notices a blind man and his guide dog. The dog leads the man into the street, where he is brushed by an oncoming car. The man is knocked down, and he rather gingerly gets back up. He calls the guide dog over, reaches into his pocket, pulls out a canine treat, and gives it to the dog.
The visitor, upon seeing all this, walks over to the blind man and says, "That's amazing! Your guide dog led you into a busy street where you were nearly run over by a car, and yet you're giving the dog a treat. You must really love that dog."
The blind man turns to the visitor and says, "No, I'm gonna kick that dogs butt--I'm just trying to find out which end is which."

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no! My wife's dinner party!"  He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with his very angry wife standing in the doorway, wondering where he's been all this time.  He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails, and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!"