There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market.
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.
The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." 
As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half...
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. 
Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Canada, Sir."
Oh really?  Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just tramps and hockey players up there."
"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!!"
The boy replied, "No kidding!  What team did she play for?

A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him."Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says,
"I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. 
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. 
The boy calls his father again. "So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this, they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals to READ!"
"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding!  What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
And his father sends the money.
At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem.
When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited.
"Where's Fido?  I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.  This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin" around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?' "
The father says,"Damn; I hope you SHOT that lyin' dog!"
"I sure did, Dad!"

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon" answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait,
I can have room service send something up to you."
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

Here are the top 10 ways Women drive Men crazy 

10.Do not say what you mean. Ever.

9. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.

8. Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know," loud. Look at them. Smile.

7. Look them in the eye and start laughing. (during an intimate moment)

6. Cry.

5. Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.

4. Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone.

3. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.

2. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i.e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.

1. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.

To strike a blow for Men everywhere, here are seminars for Women (seminars will be given by men only)

"Are you ready to leave?" -- Definition of the word "yes"

Appropriate rhetorical questions (Formerly "Honey, do I look fat?")

Crying and law enforcement

You CAN go shopping for less then 4 hours

Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: a study in contrast

Driving I: Getting past automatic transmission
Driving II: The meaning of blinking red lights
Driving III: Approximating a constant speed
Driving IV: Makeup and Driving--It's As Simple As Oil and Water

The Super Bowl: Not a Game--A Sacrament

Gift giving Fundamentals (was: Fabric Bad, Electronics Good)

Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Gravity is on Your Side

Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels

What Goes Around Comes Around--Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy

"To Honor and Obey:" Remembering the small print above "I Do"

Differences between Men and Women

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. 
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A man will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.

Men always want to be a woman's first love. 
Women have a more subtle instinct: They want to be a man's last romance.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Any married man should forget his mistakes no use in two people remembering the same thing.

It's not true that men prefer foolish women. 
Rather they prefer women who can simulate foolishness whenever necessary, which is the very core of intelligence.

A blonde woman who had been unemployed for several months finally got a job with Public Works. This was a little old town, so her job was to paint lines down the center of a rural road using a paint brush. The Supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set minimum of 2 miles per day of lines. The blonde agrees and starts right away. The Supervisor checked at the end of day one and found that the blonde had completed 4 miles, double the required average.
The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished 2 miles.
The Supervisor thought, "Well, she's at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."
The third day, the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets worse."
The boss called the blonde in and said, "The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles and yesterday only 1 mile.
Why? Is there an injury? A problem? Equipment failure?
What's keeping you from meeting the minimum 2 miles per day?"
The blonde replied, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the paint bucket!"