"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"
"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."
The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"
"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?"
"Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial."
Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on.
"What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."
'Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds.'
"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider.
What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"
"Ah, well now," said the lady,
"Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation. "

A cop pulls up two drunks, and says to the first,
"What's your name and address?"
"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."
The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.
"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

A boy was walking home one day, enraged by a licking he had taken from the school bully.
As he crossed the yard, a chicken came out in front of him.
He kicked the Chicken and his mother saw him and said, "I saw that!
You cannot have any chicken for a month."
Later on in the barn - still mad- he kicked the pig he walked up to.
His mother saw him again saying, "I saw that, young man.
You can not have any pork for two months."
The boy's father was just getting off his tractor when a cat walked by.
His father kicked the cat out of the way.
The boy saw his mother heading in that direction and spoke out,
"Ma you want me to tell him or should I."

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter.
How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant.
In a condescending manner she responds, "Which Barbie?
We have ...
Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95
Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95
Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95
Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95
Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95
and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

Quickie Blond Jokes

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree.

How did the blonde die drinking milk?
The cow stepped on her.

How did the blonde burn her nose?
Bobbing for French fries.

What do you see when you look into a blondes eyes?
The back of her head.

What is it when a blonde blows into another blondes ear?
Data transfer

Why did the blonde ask her friends to save burned-out light bulbs?
She needed them for the darkroom she was building.

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food.....
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

BUMPER STICKER'S

Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
Illiterate? Write For Help
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over
[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
Ax Me About Ebonics
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.