A Boston preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great enthusiasm he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater enthusiasm he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365:
"Shall We Gather at the River."

Ways to have an Extra-Specially Fun Time in a department store

Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.

Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

Try on bras on top of your clothes.

Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone "I think we've got a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens

Tune all the radios to obnoxious stations; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10.

Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

Put M & M's on layaway.

Move "Caution: wet floor" signs to the carpet.

Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in cosmetics.

Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror for picking your nose.

Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a miniature battlefield with GI Joes vs. X-Men.

Switch the men's and women's signs on the restrooms.

Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

Set up a "valet parking" sign at the front door.

In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with the funnels.

Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through say things like "pick me pick me" and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.

Go to an empty checkout line and try to check people out.

Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax.

If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink. Explain that you don't get out much and ask if they will put a little umbrella in it.

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal.
She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.
And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar.
He had them do this four times.
"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl raised her hand with great enthusiasm and said "To make the gravy."

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain
is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

Employee Evaluation
Be sure to read through to the bottom...

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

An investment counselor went out on her own.
She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward.
"Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect.
"Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted,
"He sued me for the money."

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang.
When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there.
The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.
The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again.
When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again.
This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.
The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang.
When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again.
It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off.
The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance.
He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.
The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds.
He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.
The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug going around."