There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!"

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

An English man, a Scots man and an Irish man were trying to get in to see the Olympics without tickets.
So they got to the stadium during one of the main events and discussed how they would be able to attend without paying.
The English man walked around the stadium and saw a pole lying on the ground and picked it up.
He walked to the entrance and said, "Peter. England. Pole throwing."
The guards let him in without hesitation.
While walking, the Scots man sees a manhole.
He picks up the cover, carries it under his arm to the entrance and says, "McGregor. Scotland. Discus throwing.
The guards let him in also.
The Irish man is very frantic, since both his friends are now inside.
He walks around the stadium and finds a roll of barbed wire.
He picks it up, walks to the entrance and says, "Murphy. Ireland. Fencing."

Once upon a time there was a non conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.
However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south.
In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid.
A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.
The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!
Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.
Just then a large cat came by, and heard the chirping.
The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

The Moral of the Story:
Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy
Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.
And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.

The Cozens were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Cozen made it clear he was in a big hurry.
"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr. Cozen turned to his wife...
"Show him your tooth, Honey."

A man wondered if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin.
The reason is because he is not sure if sex is work or play.
So he goes to a priest. He asks for the priest's opinion.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on the Sabbath."
The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex?" So, he decides to ask a minister.
The minister gives the same reply as the priest had given him. Sex is work, and therefore not permitted on the Sabbath.
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
The man asks, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others are convinced that sex is work?"
The Rabbi replies, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

A Doctor, a Nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have all died and are in line together at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter speaks with them and asks what good each has done in their life.
Doctor: "I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for, and healing thousands of poor people."
St. Peter: "That's great. Go ahead in to Heaven. And what about you, dear?"
Nurse: "I've supported the good Doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult."
St. Peter: "Wonderful. Please proceed in with the Doctor. And what about you?"
Health Maintenance Organizaton Director: "I was the president of a very large HMO and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all over the country."
St. Peter: "Oh, I see. Please go in...but you can only stay two nights!"