COMPLAINTS OF MODERN DAY VAMPIRES
Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.
Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"
After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.
No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
No warm blood for miles around DC.
Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.
Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."
Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.
Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.

Signs of the Times

In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."
On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
On a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman,
and the 2nd one just left."
In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"
In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry,
come in and get fed up."
In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.
Socks can eat any place they want."

After a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to finally land.
They disembarked, and the other attendants and I checked for items left behind.
In a seat pocket, I found a bag of home-made cookies with a note saying "Much love, Mom."
Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner. 
In few minutes, this announcement came over the public-address system in the concourse:
"Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return to the gate?"

A man is going down the road, and gets pulled over by a highway patrolman.
When he gets  up to the car, he tells him that he was speeding.
The man is shocked, but not startled by being pulled over because he is always speeding.
While  the highway patrolman is standing there, he sees  that the man has 9 huge knives in the back seat.
He asks him what they are for, and he tells him that they are for his act, and he is a juggler.
The partolman does not believe him, and tells him to prove it.
So he gets out of the car, and starts to juggle the knives.
At the same time, 2  men are driving by and witness the two on the side  of the road.
One of the men looks to the other man and says,
'Man, I sure am glad I quit drinking, those sobriety tests these days are rough!'

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half-hour.
Then, this big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.  The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking.  Here, I'll buy you another drink.
I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life.  First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting.  My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the  cab. I got home only to find my wife was with the gardener. I left  home and came to this bar. When I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my  poison ..."

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.
Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.
A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.
The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had

Things for your consideration .......

Why does everyone want to go to Heaven, but nobody wants to die?

It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten.
They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane.

Take comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.