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The Teethbrush
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Research had been going on for many years as to the invention of the toothbrush.
Researchers knew the purpose of the device, wanted to know and acknowledge
the originating location.
After a very long and exasperating study the researchers came to their
conclusion as to the origin of the toothbrush. It was decided that
the brush was invented in Maine.
Intrigued with the discovery, the researchers were asked by the media
how they came to the conclusion. They all agree it was simple deduction,
"if it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush."
COMPUTER
ONE LINERS:
Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a
bad memory...
Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines
can swim.
Justify my text? I'm sorry but it has no excuse.
Programming is an art form that fights back.
The
CIA
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.
These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot
of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered
for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks, training
and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman,
but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely
secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men
to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you
will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious!
I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA
man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the
circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you
will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and
went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door
opened.
The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to
shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess
I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA
man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test.
Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the
same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions
no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you
will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed
all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another
for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the
sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was
loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
Actual
quotes from (actual) Texas politicians:
* "Let's do this in one foul sweep."
- Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton
* "This is unparalyzed in the state's history."
- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis
* "I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished
yourselves this session."
- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis
* "We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."
- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis
* "There's a lot of uncertainty that's not clear in my mind."
- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis
* "Which one is that?" "I just voted the way my wife
told me to; she knew what it was."
- Texas gubernatorial candidate Clayton Williams,
when asked how he had voted on the ONLY proposition on the Texas ballot
THINGS
TO SAY AT THANKSGIVING
Reach in and grab the giblets.
Whew, that's one terrific spread!
I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
Tying the legs together will keep the insides moist.
Talk about a huge breast!
"and he forced his way into the end zone..."
She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down.
It's Cool Whip time!!!!
If I don't unbuckle my pants, I'm going to burst!
It must be broken, cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out!
Interesting
Name Possibilties
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry
Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman
Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry
Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg
Pooh.
If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to
marry Kenny G. he'd be G. Ghali G.
Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no
other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he
married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
Shorties
.......
How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.
I will gladly share my experience and advice,
for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me,
they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
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