The crime boss and his attorney meet with his accountant.
"Where's the $3 million you embezzled from me?" demands the gangster.
The accountant is silent.
"Where's my $3 million?" the crime boss shouts.
The lawyer explains, "Sir, the man is deaf. Allow me to translate."
So using sign language, the attorney asks the accountant about the money, and the message is relayed back that the accountant knows nothing about it. Furious, the crime boss pulls out a revolver and puts it to the deaf accountant's head, screaming at the lawyer, "Ask him again where my money is!"
"Okay!Okay!" the deaf accountant sighs back.
"The money's hidden behind the old toolshed in my back yard."
"What did he say?" demands the enraged crime boss.
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Okay says the lawyer, your turn.
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworker, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500. The blonde says,"Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed,
wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb.

Even more things to think about ......
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?

Just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?

If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?

If you crossed a chicken with a zebra would you get a four-legged chicken with its own barcode?

If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?

Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time?

New and Interesting Thanksgiving Turkey Uses

*As a blunt object to fend off your pesky cousins with.

*As a projectile to throw at the TV after Kathie Lee says, "Aren't they a wonderful band!" for the 25th time.

*As a hood ornament.

*As a disguise so your ugly Aunt Harriet can't kiss you and say, "How much you've grown!"

*As a football for the after-meal game.

*Fill it with whip cream - watch the fun.

*Bury in the yard; for future midnight snacks.

*If you're flying home, take the carcass as a carry-on.
See what it looks like in the X-ray machine.
Better yet, put it in a pet carrier and ask the flight attendant for some chicken feed.

*As yet another object to drop from the top of the dorm to test the range of the splatter upon impact.

*As a Christmas gift (avoid the holiday crowds this way!)

*As a doorstop to keep your relatives out.

*Makes a great doggie chew toy.

*Wear as a helmet, declaring, "I'm TURKEYMAN!"

*Before serving, paste feathers on the poor naked creature.

*Secretly replace with Folgers turkey crystals.

*Place a speaker inside the bird, and from another room, amaze your guests with this talking fowl!

*Throw the turkey out the window yelling, "You're FREE! Fly! FLY!"

*Two words: Turkey puppet.

*Toss the carcass into a turkey farm to intimidate next year's stock.

*Attach to a fishing pole,
slowly drive around the neighborhood in the back of a pickup and see how many dogs follow you.

*From a concealed location, toss in front of a passing car.
When they stop, run out screaming that they hit your dog!

*As in an old murder mystery, question all the dinner guests in an attempt to discover who killed the guest of honor.

Answering Machine Messages
Please feel free to try these

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my Financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry I have plenty of money.

Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.


Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone.
Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Hello, you've reached Jim & Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up & down, and I like doing it left to right .......real slow.........So leave a message, and when we get done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath?
Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Fun At the Drive-Thru

Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.

After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order- takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to).
When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and asmall medium fries, please".

In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

Drive through with a carload of naked people.

Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker
and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

Bring along a Mr. Microphone.
When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".

All of the above work very well when done at the late night pick up window