As I said before, I never repeat myself

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Drink until she's cute, but stop before the wedding

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder

Don't hit a man with glasses.....Use your fist

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes

When everything's going your way, you're driving in the wrong lane

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Excuses and opinions are like butts everyone's got 'em and they all stink.

I swear we do not make these up

In Phoenix, Arizona the law states that every man who enters the city limits must wear pants.

In Hackberry, Arizona there is a law that prohibits women from eating raw onions while drinking buttermilk on Sunday.

In some parts of the south, a widow or divorced woman isn't allowed to dry her underwear on the front porch or on a clothesline before the sun goes down.

In some parts of the south, women aren't allowed to eat pickles with their feet up on porch railings.

It is illegal to mispronounce the name of the state of Arkansas while within the state.

The state legislature passed a law that the Arkansas River can raise no higher than the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.

Florida prohibits topless walking within a 150 foot zone between the beach and the street.

In Florida it is illegal to jog with your eyes closed.

In Willowdale, Oregon no man may curse while having sex with his wife.

It is illegal to eat oranges while bathing in California.

In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your back pocket.

In Fairbanks, Alaska it is illegal to give beer to a moose.

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole.
So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures--the whole thing is just a mess.
An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.
After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he gives us the length."

HOLIDAY DIET TIPS
If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.

When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.

Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, brandy, Sara Lee Cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Daz Ice Cream.

Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.

If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.

If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.

Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.

STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

The phone rings at KGB headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this KGB?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz
as an enemy of the State.
He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave.
The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house. "Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, 'I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here.' The string walked away and sat down with his friends.
A few minutes later he walked back up to the bar and ordered a beer.
The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, 'I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here.'
So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea.
He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair.
Then he walks back up to the bar. His friends think that he's crazy.
So, he orders a beer.
The bartender squints at him and says, 'Hey, aren't you a string?'
And the string says, 'Nope, I'm a frayed knot.'

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."