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| There was a doctor who was the most respected in
town. He wanted more time with his family, so he decided to clone himself to cut down on his work load. He was very successful. No one could tell that they were being examined by a clone and not the real doctor. After a while, the clone became vulgar and he would tell his patients dirty jokes. The doctor realized all of this and decided that he needed to kill the clone to save his name. He took the clone to a cliff outside of town and pushed him off. The next day, however, the police found out and arrested the doctor for making an OBSENE CLONE FALL. Psychological Christmas Songs SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are. DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas. NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me) MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense! PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me. PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell.... BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire. PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away). A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That twice.' We hadn't gone a half- mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead. I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'" A young ventriloquist is touring the South and stops to entertain at a bar in Texas. He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says "I've heard just about enough of your smart ass hillbilly jokes; we ain't all stupid here in the South." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smart ass little fella on your knee!" One day, Hanson and the Spice Girls were all on an airplane, and they get into a discussion when Baby Spice stated "You know, I could toss a thousanddollars out the window of this plane and make one person very happy." Then, the oldest Hanson brother said, "Well, I could toss ten one hundreddollar bills out the plane and make ten people happy." Then Sporty Spice said, "Well, I could toss one hundred, ten dollar bills out, and make onehundred people happy!" Then the middle Hanson brother very proudly said, "Well, I could toss one thousand, one dollar bills out the window and make one thousand people happy!" Sick of the discussion, another passenger said, "Well, I have a better idea, I could toss all of you out the window and make the entire world happy!" World's Shortest Books "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres The Difference between Reality and Dilbert Human Rights Advances in China "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman Al Gore: The Wild Years Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean America's Most Popular Lawyers Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors Different Ways to Spell "Bob" Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches Easy UNIX Everything Men Know About Women French Hospitality George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA Staple Your Way to Success The Amish Phone Directory The Engineer's Guide to Fashion Daily Affirmations I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed. A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia. Today, I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so." I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain. As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault. I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all. Joan of Arc heard voices too. When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things. Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone. I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at. |