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| A Congressman was once asked about his attitude
toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise." A woman woke up one morning deciding that she hated life and wanted to end it. She went on the top of her roof. As she was about to jump a man called out to him telling him to stop. She asked, "Why shouldn't I jump?" And the man replied by saying, "you see I am Santa Claus." "Are you serious" the woman replied." "Of course I am, Don't you see the big belly and the beard." Convinced that the man was Santa Clause she asked what could she do for him. Santa replied by saying, "I can give you anything you want but you have to give me a kiss." "The woman puckered her lips and Santa started to kiss her. 10 minutes later Santa Claus was still kissing her, when she turned around and asked if Santa was really sure that he was going to give him everything she wanted. Santa Clause replied by saying, "Yes. But let me ask you a question. Does a big girl like you still believe in Santa Claus?" There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him." God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?" A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Stevie, wanna play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replies, "I want you to communicate." He says to her, "that word is too big. I have no idea what it means." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband." Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -- 'Take a clean dish...'" A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature". Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?" InDUHvidual: "It says, HIT ENTER when ready." Tech Support: "Well?" InDUHvidual: "How do I know when it`s ready?" |