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| A magician was working on a cruise ship in the
Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: Look, it's not the same hat Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ? The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another. After a week the parrot finally said: OK. I give up. What'd you do with the boat ? An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife." An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!" The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?" "Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?" "No," replied the man. "Do you drink in excess?" "No." replied the man. "Do you have a sex life?" "Yes, I do!" "Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life." Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?" Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes. At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific." They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it." They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?" New version of the Good, the Bad and the Ugly Good: Your husband is not talking to you. Bad: He wants a divorce. Ugly: He's a lawyer. Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you. Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie." Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us." "It's the peanuts," answered the bartender. "Say what?" replied the man in disbelief. "You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts... they're complimentary." A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you $50 the man is going to jump." The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50. The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then." "No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again." |