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| Deep Thought: Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver. Quick Wit: A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer." the man began, "I can explain". "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..." "But officer, I just wanted to say...." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom." A Good English Joke An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window." Crappy Greeting Cards 1.You wrecked your car and don't remember why. Could have been..... That case of bud dry! 2.My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I stopped to look.... I noticed your cat. 3.Your computer is dead. It once was a first-rate. Don't you regret buying...... Windows 98? 4.Your dog is dead. So sorry to hear He was chasing cars... And caught a semi in the rear. 5.Heard your wife left you. How upset you must be. Well don't worry about her.... She moved in with me! So here are some pick-up lines that work every time!!!! 1. Guy: Hey baby, what's your sign? Girl: Exit, you should try it? 2. Someone better call the cops cause it's got to be illegal to be that good-looking! 3. To woman: find out her name Tell her "Did I tell you that I am going to name one of my daughters(name) After she accepts or denies. Say yeah " After her MOM" 4. Ask to guy/girl: go up to them and say excuse me do you have a library cause I would like to check you out 5. You know women are like parking spots all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped, which are you? 6. guy-what winks and screws like a tiger? girl-what? guy-(wink at her) Three blondes died and found themselves standing before Saint Peter at the gate to heaven. St. Peter said to them, "Before you may enter the gates of heaven you have to tell me what Easter is." The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where we all have a big feast and we're thankful." St. Peter said, "NO!" and banished her to hell. The second blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where we celebrate Jesus' birth and give each other presents." St. Peter said, "NO!" and banished her to hell. The third blonde said, "I know what Easter is." St. Peter said, "Ok then, tell me." She starts, "Easter is Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung him on the cross where he died. Then they buried him in a tomb behind a large boulder." St. Peter said, "Very good..." She adds, "Every year the Jews role away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow we have six more weeks of winter." The 10 Commandments of Email Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line. Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest. Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it. Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message. Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar. Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS. Thou shalt not forward any chain letter. Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose. Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work. When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn. And, here's the "Golden Rule" of E-Mail: That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others. |