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| Ever wonder why? How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead? Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? You know how most packages say "Open here"... What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is? Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is? Why is it that the guy who comes up behind you while you're waiting for an elevator presses the already lit "up" button -- as though he somehow has magical powers that you didn't when you pressed it the first time? Some redneck groaners... Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen. What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved. What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas? Nice tooth! Best bar pickup line in Kentucky: "Hey, you don't sweat much for a fat broad." Things that make you go hmmmmmm... How come wrong numbers are never busy? Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'? Does killing time damage eternity? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? Why is it that night falls but day breaks? Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop? Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it? Do pilots take crash-courses? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How can there be self-help "groups"? How do you get off a non-stop flight? How do you write zero in Roman numerals? If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?" If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman? If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends? If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them? If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of ? If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags? If swimming is good for your shape, then why do whales look the way they do? If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of? If you jog backwards, will you gain weight? Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child? Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Old News A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you $50 the man is going to jump." The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50. The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then." "No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again." Are You Kidding? Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it." Top 10 signs your child has a Pokemon card gambling problem: 10. You find a My Little Pony head in his bed. 9. She refers to the neighbor kids as "those dirty, Pikachu-hoarding bastards." 8. Little Timothy now insists on being called "Montana Tim." 7. Has taken to calling you "Daddylion" and "Mommozar." 6. Claims her kneecaps were broken in a freak hopscotch accident. 5. Christmas list includes Lego's, in-line skates and $30,000 to pay back "Vinnie the Shark." 4. From behind the garage, you hear: "Come on, Baby! Pikachu needs a new pair of shoes!" 3. Pete Rose keeps calling to ask if little Johnny can come out and play. 2. You receive a package from summer camp containing Billy's ear and a note asking for Charizard. 1. She's been on the phone all morning, ranting and chain-smoking candy cigarettes. At the Construction Site The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in." |