Amanpreet went to a bar and ordered a drink.  A few minutes, a beautiful blonde sat down next to him and started coming on to him.  Soon she invited him back to her place.  Overcome with excitement, Preet agreed. When they got to the bedroom, Preet exclaimed "Wow! A waterbed,  I've never had sex on a waterbed before."

Soon they were both naked and going at it.  The blonde stopped him and said, "Before we go any further, don't you think you should put on some protection?"

"Good idea." he responded, and got up.  Amanpreet walked out of the room, and when he came back, he was wearing a life preserver."

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teen-aged daughters.  They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.  After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.  He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he has ever seen.  He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. 

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

Ray had just reached his 175th birthday last week.  Surrounded by reporters, he was asked, "Excuse me, sir, but how did you come to live to be 175?"

Ray answered, "It was easy.  I just never argue with anyone."

The reporter shot back, "That's crazy.  It had to be something else -- diet, meditation, or *something*.  Just not arguing won't keep you alive for 175 years!"

The old fella stared hard at the reporter for several seconds.

Then he shrugged.  "Hmmm.  Maybe you're right."

Judi reported for her final examination which consisted of Yes / No answers.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper, and then in a bit of inspiration, takes a quarter out of her purse.  She starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for heads and "No" for tails.

Within 30 minutes she's all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.  During the last few minutes of the exam period, Judi again frantically starts flipping the coin again.

The moderator, concerned about what she's doing, stops by and asks if she's ok.

"Oh yes, I'm fine.  I finished the exam a half hour ago -- but, " explaining the frantic coin tossing, "I'm going back thru and checking my answers!"

A middle aged woman went to her cosmetic surgeon to see what her options were concerning her rapidly sagging face. "We can give you an old fashioned face-lift, or we can use a new high-tech procedure called the knob."

"What is the knob, doctor?", she asked.

"It is a procedure where we install a knob under the hair on the back of your head.  We then connect it to the facial muscles which sag, and when you see new wrinkles and sagging, you just tighten the knob a few turns and your skin is nice and tight again."

"Oh, yes!  That is what I would like to have", she replied excitedly.  The operation was a complete success and she looked 15 years younger.

As time passed, when she would notice new sagging, she would simply tighten the knob and viola!  Her face was beautiful again. 

One day about 8 years later she woke up one morning and saw very large bags under her eyes.  Alarmed, she called her doctor and reported the bags.

"You had better get right over and let me check this out!" the doctor replied.

After examining her, he said "the bags under your eyes are your breasts."

To which she said, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee!"

"George is so forgetful," the sales manager complained to his secretary.  "It's a wonder he can sell and I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back."

Just then the door flew open, and in bounced George. "You'll never guess what happened!" he shouted. "While I was at lunch, I met Old Man Brown, who hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me this half-million dollar order!"

"See," sighed the sales manager to his secretary. "I told you he'd forget the sandwiches."

The visiting American was quite upset by his sudden drop in popularity.  During his first week in England he had been invited almost everywhere, feted and entertained.  Now, for reasons unknown, his phone had fallen silent and no invitations appeared in the mail. Perplexed, he called his friend Sir Reginald.

"Reggie old boy, you can speak frankly with me," said the man, "What's happened ?  I'm being virtually ostracized."

"Well, old chap," Reggie replied, "think back to the Royal Fox Hunt last week.  I'm afraid it's customary to cry 'Tally ho,  Your Majesty!' when you sight the fox.  Not, I'm afraid, "There goes the dirty little son-of-a-bitch, Lizzy!''"