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| What's for dinner? A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness". Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!" Effeciency Expert The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?" The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven." Great One Liners Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. Every morning is the dawn of a new error... For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord. I can see clearly now, the brain is gone... I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. I don't have a solution but I admire the problem. Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out. Test Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant." "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant. "We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager. "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired. "Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'" A Glass Of Milk Somebody left a glass of milk next to the keyboard. Reaction? Optimist: The glass is half full. Pessimist: The glass is half empty. Futurist: The milk's in the wrong half of the glass. Pascal programmers: Well, what type of milk is it? C Programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the jug. Assembly programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the cow. Basic programmers: No thanks; I'm still breast feeding. MIS: I'LL DRINK IT IF YOU CAN GIVE ME UNTIL NEXT YEAR. Fuzzy logic guys: I may or may not have drunk some part of that milk. Prolog programmers: I know I drank it - just don't ask me how. Non-procedural language programmers: I drank it when nobody was looking. UI designers: What's that crap in my glass? Pentium users: I drank Glass * .49999999 . . . but don't hold me to that. Windows users: Where's my straw? Mac users: Where's my pump? Signs That You Are Broke American Express calls and says, "Leave home without it!" Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln. Long distance companies don't call you to switch. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes. You rob Peter and then rob Paul. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment. Your bologna has no first name. You give blood everyday, just for the orange juice. Sally Struthers sends you food. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments. Car Keys A bloke has locked his car keys inside his vehicle. He stands by the side of his car looking completely fed up when a chap walks up and asks him what the problem is. "I've locked my car keys in my car and can't get in," says the first individual. "No problem mate." says the second chap. "Stand to one side and I'll get you in." The first chap does as he's asked and stands to one side. The second chap moves infront of the door handle, turns around, and rubs his bum against the door lock. Almost instantly the car door unlocks. "Strewth!" says the first fella, "How did you manage that?" "Easy," says the second bloke, "I'm wearing my Khaki trousers." |