Free Web Hosting by Netfirms
 Web Hosting by Netfirms | Free Domain Names by Netfirms



100 GigaBurg Bug

Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization:
the 100GB Bug. As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the number
of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at 99 billion
burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB). Within months or even weeks, that number will
roll over to 100GB. McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago, when the
prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So
the signs have only two decimal places. This means that, after the sale of the
100 billionth burger, McDonald's signs will read "00 Billion Burgers Sold."
This, experts predict, will convince the public that, in over thirty years, no
McDonald's hamburgers have ever in fact been sold, causing a complete collapse
of consumer confidence in McDonald's products. The ensuing catastrophic drop in
sales is seen as almost certain to force the already-troubled company into
bankruptcy. This, in turn, will push the teetering American economy over the
brink, which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the global
economy, ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to live on
beetles. "The people who know -- the sign-makers -- are really scared of 100GB,"
one expert said. "I don't know about you, but I'm digging up a copy of THE FIELD
GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading for the hills."
Should I Stop?

A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He
barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for
traffic. What the driver didn't know was that a policeman was watching the
intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks
away.
Policeman: "License, registration and proof of insurance please."
Driver: "Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for,
man."
Policeman: "Watch your tone sir; you ran that stop sign back there!"
Driver: "Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference?"
The police officer pulled out his night-stick and began whacking the man over
the head and shoulders. Bang! Bang! Whomp! Bang!
Policeman: "Now, do you want me to just slow down, or stop!!!?
Continuing Education Courses For Women

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone before.
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes Everyday.
4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.
6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.
8. Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . .
9. Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.
10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.
12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.
14. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
15. Introduction to Parking.
16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.
17. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor.
18. Water retention: Fact or Fat.
19. Cooking I: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.
20. Cooking II: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
21. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
22. PMS: Your Problem... Not His.
23. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.
24. Sex: It's For Married Couples Too.
25. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
26. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.
27. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
28. Ballet: For Women Only.
29. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.
30. Learning to Go in Public Restrooms.
31. Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges.
32. "Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?" - Why Men Lie.
33. TV Remotes: For Men Only.
34. Sexy Lingerie For Any Occasion.
One Liners

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
A day without sunshine is like ... night.
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock to throw.
On the other hand... you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
I got lost in thought... It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set!
Church Bloopers

1. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
3. The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
4. Evening massage - 6 p.m.
5. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
6. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
7. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.
8. Ushers will eat latecomers.
9. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
11. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
12. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
13. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
14. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
15. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
16. Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
17. The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
18. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
19. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
20. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
21. 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
22. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
23. Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? With hymns from a full choir.
24. Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"
25. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.
26. Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
27. Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
28. The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
29. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary...
30. 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
31. The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
32. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
33. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
NASA Accommodates Glenn

Top Ten Changes at NASA to accommodate 76 year-old John Glenn's return to space aboard the shuttle "Discovery:"
10. All important devices now operated by the Clapper.
9. Shuttle's thermostat set at 80 degrees.
8. Shuffle board installed in cargo bay.
7. "Early Bird" specials from Luby's Cafeteria included on menu.
6. One monitor specifically designated for Matlock.
5. Little bowls of candy scattered randomly about the ship.
4. Top speed of shuttle set at 25 miles per hour.
3. Installed a new bifocal windshield.
2. Space suit pants now go up to armpits.
1. Left-turn blinker left on for entire mission.
BUREAUCRACY

1. Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana.
2. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result--all the apes are sprayed with cold water.
3. Turn off the cold water. If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.
4. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The New ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
5. Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a New one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous Newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
6. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.
7. After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? "BECAUSE that's the way it's always been done around here."



Click here to refer a friend to this page!