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| Comprehending Engineers Take One: A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him - - - Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?" Take Two: There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark: $1 Knowing where to put it: $49,999 It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace. Take Three: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets. Take Four: The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" Take Five: An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" the architect and artist both asked, surprised. The Engineer replied "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done." Take Six: An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get such a great bike?" asked the first. The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'" The first engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit." Fractured Laws The Law of Avoiding Oversell: When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse. The Law of Reality: Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. The Law of Self Sacrifice: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. The Law of Motivation: Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. Bob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look. Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work in the past tense. Conway's Law: In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired. The Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets. The Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There is always one more bug. Heller's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists. Osborne's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't. Main's Law: For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization. Beer Drinking Science A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers. FLOGGING A DEAD HORSE Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount and walk. However, we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following: 1. Buy a stronger whip. 2. Change riders. 3. Say things like, "This is the way we have always have ridden this horse." 4. Appoint a committee to study the horse. 5. Arrange to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses. 6. Rewrite the standards for dead horse performance. 7. Appoint a tiger team to revive the dead horse. 8. Create a training session to increase riding ability. 9. Compare the state of dead horses in today's environment. 10. Change the requirements, declaring that, "This horse is not dead." 11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse. 12. Harness several dead horses together to increase speed and pulling power. 13. Declare that, "No horse is too dead to beat." 14. Provide additional incentive funding to increase the horse's performance. 15. Do a Commercial Activities Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper. 16. Purchase a software product to make dead horses run faster. 17. Declare the horse is "better, faster, and cheaper" dead. 18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses. 19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses. 20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable. 21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position. 22. Shorten the track. 23. Establish benchmarks for industry dead-horse leaders. 24. Put together a spiffy PowerPoint presentation to get planners to double the dead-horse R&D budget. 25 Get the horse a website. 26. Declare that the horse is not in fact dead, but poised for growth.(or just pinin') 27. Sell off its ears to reduce overheads. 28. Re-organize the horse to make it more customer-facing, by cutting off its head and sewing it on backwards. 29. Declare that since horse is dead, we must now ride smarter, not harder. 30. Sell off the horse's legs one by one, until someone will buy it. 31. Declare that riding is not a core competency. AIRLINE WOES I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs." Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes they also were trying to change airlines! JD's Tours More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 apiece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars. Parenting Defined AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman, who has gone through labor, to have sex again. DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the brink of financial disaster. FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're angry with him. GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings. PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own. PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it. SHOW-OFF: A child who is more talented than yours. STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies. TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises. VERBAL: Able to whine in words. WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house. |