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| Lawyers A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asks, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner says, "No." The attorney then asks, "Did you listen for a heart beat?" "No." "Did you check for breathing?" "No." "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?" The coroner, now tired of the brow beating says, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere." Two attorneys took a long safari vacation in the African Bush. One day, needing a rest, they removed their packs and leaned their rifles against a tree. They were startled when a large, hungry-looking lion emerged from the jungle and began eyeing them with anticipation. It was clear that the attorneys' rifles were too far away to do them any good. Moving slowly, one attorney began to remove his shoes. Why are you doing that?" asked the other. "Because I can run faster without them," replied the first. "I don't care how fast you can run, you'll never outrun a lion!" the second said. The now-barefoot attorney explained, "I don't have to outrun the lion. I just have to outrun you!" A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer. Rita Rudner's 50 Facts About Men 1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. 2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. 3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush. 4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald." 5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle. 6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him. 7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season. 8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. 9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches. 10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals. 11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else. 12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know. 13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps. 14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun. 15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. 16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano. 17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf. 18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally. 19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax. 20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names. 21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man. 22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy. 23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. 24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo." 25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door. 26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious. 27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies. 28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer. 29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant. 30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. 31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men. 32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly. 33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily. 34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?" 35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you. 36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other." 37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women. 38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks. 39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting." 40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network. 41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit. 42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit. 43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed. 44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. 45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk. 46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles. 47. Men forget everything; women remember everything. 48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened. 49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony. 50. All men would still really like to own a train set. Marine Corps Love A young Marine and his commanding officer board a train headed through the mountains of Switzerland. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young soldier are interested in each other because they are giving each other "looks." Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young soldier to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The commanding officer is setting there thinking: "I didn't know the young Marine was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the soldier kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young Marine sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life is good. When does a fellow have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his commanding officer all at the same time!" You Have Two Cows. FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need. BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need. FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment. MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything. BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.. ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows. CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly - listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother - in - law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad. ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them. FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf. TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk. SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away." Darwin Award Nominees Once again it is time to start thinking about casting your vote for the 1998 Darwin Award winner! As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who contribute to strengthening the gene pool by dying (or nearly dying) in spectacularly stupid ways before they breed and pass those genes along. The 1998 nominees are: NOMINEE No.1 [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut. NOMINEE No.2: [Kalamazoo Gazette] A mechanic of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." He got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while he hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. The mechanic's clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found him "wrapped in the drive shaft." NOMINEE No.3: [Hickory Daily Record] A 47 year old man accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson.38 Special which discharged when he drew it to his ear. NOMINEE No.4: [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said the 39 year old lawyer fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. He previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength, according to police reports. The managing partner of the law firm told the Toronto Sun newspaper that the dead lawyer was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. NOMINEE No.5: [Bloomburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body, but an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating 'this deadly gas'." Three of the rescuers got sick, and one was hospitalized. NOMINEE No.6: [The News of the Weird.] A South Carolina death row inmate made The News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. NOMINEE NO.7: ["The Indianapolis Star"]. A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion - Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. The man died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said he was cleaning a .54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited. NOMINEE No.8: [AP, St. Louis] A 32 year old man was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police he grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store; paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death. NOMINEE No.9: [Unknown] To a poacher who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him. NOMINEE No.10: [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA] Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. The 24 year old man of Kincaid bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off" and this guy said, "I'll show you how to set it off." NOMINEE No.11: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] A man cleaning a birdfeeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. The 55 year old, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said. NOMINEE No.12: [UPI, Portland, OR] Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital. The 25 year old lost his right eye during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, OR. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered his right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been severed and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that if the man had tried to pull the arrow out he surely would have killed himself. The man admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. He said, "I feel so dumb about this." NOMINEE No.13 The Calgary Sun Saturday, December 28, 1996 VANCOUVER(CP)-A man arguing over a love triangle accidentally shot himself in the groin, taking off his testicles and part of his penis. Police said the man was waving a .357 Magnum revolver around during the shouting match early yesterday. But when he stuffed it back in his pants the gun went off. Police were called to the hospital after the man, in his 20s, was brought in by friends. Charges are pending against the victim, who is expected to survive. AND FINALLY, NOMINEE No.14!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette] Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. The driver, 33, of Des Arc and his passenger, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night the pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, the passenger noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on east-bound toward the White River bridge. After traveling approximately twenty miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck the driver in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right, exiting the pavement and striking a tree. The driver suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. The passenger sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when he shot his d*** off or we might both be dead" stated the passenger. "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first or me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, the driver's wife, asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck. Iraq's Top Ten TV Shows 1. Husseinfeld 2. Mad About Everything 3. Allah McBeal 4. Wheel of Fortune and Terror 5. Achmed's Creek 6. The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right 7. Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest 8. The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show 9. Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs 10. Suddenly Sanctions Axiom If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If, however, it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never appears to have noticed that you actually set it free in the first place, uou either married it or gave birth to it! |