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| Sam Gets A Boat Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, a fellow [Sam] new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't get his brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and was very sluggish in almost every maneuver no matter how much power he supplied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, he putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell him what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer. More Continuing Ed For Women: The male staff will be offering courses to women of all marital status. Attendance in at least 10 is mandatory: 1. Avoiding Walking in Front of the TV 2. Doing Housework Without Complaining 3. Shopping: Buying What You Can Afford, Not What You Can Charge 4. Going to The Washroom Alone (formerly Coping Without My Friends) 5. Understanding the Male Response to "Do I Look OK?" 6. Exercise: How it Keeps You from Looking Like Your Mother 8. How to Apologize When You Are Obviously Wrong 9. Understanding the Male Response to "Am I Fat?" 10. Dishwashers: Rinsing Before Is Not a Must 11. The Toilet Seat: I Can Put It Down 12. "The Weekend" and "Long Boring Walks" Are Not Synonymous 13. How to Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Embarrass Him 14. The Remote Control: Don't Touch What You Can't Handle 15. You Too Can Be the One to Hang Up the Phone 16. Honest, You Don't Look Like Kim Bassinger -- But You're Acceptable 17. Hair spray: The Effects On The Ecosystem (formerly One Can Is Enough) 18. Runs In Your Nylons? It's Not the End of the World 19. Fishing: Being Able to Bait Your Own Hook 20. Learning to Choose What to Wear In Less Than Four Hours 21. Vacations: Doing Without 4 Suitcases 22. Makeup: The Less is More Theory 23. Nagging: Stop the Insanity! Ed FOR MEN Once again, the female staff will be offering courses to men of any marital status. Class size will be limited to 18 as material may prove to be difficult. 101 Combating Stupidity 102 You Too Can Do Housework 103 P.M.S. - Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut 104 How To Fill An Ice Cube Tray 105 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas - Give Us Money 106 Understanding the Female Response To You Coming In Drunk At 4 AM 107 Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly Called "Don't Wash My Silks") 108 Parenting - No, It Doesn't End With Conception 109 Get a Life - Learn How To Cook 110 How Not To Act Like a Butthead When You Are Obviously Wrong 111 Spelling -Even You Can Get It Right 112 Understanding Your Financial Incompetence 113 You - The Weaker Sex 114 Reasons To Give Flowers 115 How To Stay Awake After Sex 116 Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere But the Bathroom 117 Garbage - Getting It To the Curb 118 The Weekend and Sports Are Not Synonymous 119 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down 120 How To Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Get Lost 121 The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency 122 Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes 123 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children 124 You Too Can Be a Designated Driver 125 Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked 126 Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works 127 The Attainable Goal - Omitting %@#*! From Your Vocabulary 128 Real Men Ask For Directions 129 How To Take Illness Like a Man Well I'll Be... 1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale. 2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded. 3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off. 4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily cooking dinner and listening to his walkman. 5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death. And the capper....... 6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.[Darwin Candidate?] You're an Old Soldier If... 1. You know what GDP means. 2. You remember when we had tactical nukes and really planned to use them. 3. You remember spending hours in MOPP4 and doing M256 kits. 4. You remember when M8 claymore and M72 LAW was part of CTT. 5. You remember when ARTEPs were 36 hours and you had fun. 6. You remember when Carl Vouno was CG and Max Thurman was head of recruiting command. 7. You know what Gamma Goat and Goer were. 8. You remember when the Israelis were bad asses and we all wanted to be like them. 9. You remember when Saddam Hussein was our loyal ally. 10.You remember when Airland Battle was a new concept, and everyone religiously read 100-5. 11.You know what the Cap Weinberger Doctrine was. 12.You remember when the M16 was a plastic carbine, and you hoped for an M14. 13.You can remember going to the Club at Graf, drinking, and watching Margaret. 14.You personally know Margaret. 15.You know what a "smokey" is at Hohenfels. 16.You know the difference between VRC46, VRC47, PRC77 and VRC160. 17.You know what a CEOI is and you can encrypt grids. 18.You remember when NTC was a new and cool concept. 19.You remember when it was real cool to go to SAMs or be an OC at NTC. 20.You remember when as a new LT/CPT you could go out and train your soldiers and not have an OC tell you how screwed up you were. 21.You remember BN Cdrs and 1SG's who were Vietnam Vets. 22.You remember Bn Cdrs who drank, swore and mentored. 23.You remember Bn Cdrs who were ruthless about tactics, but didn't give a crap about admin BS (now its reverse). 24.You remember when 2LTs and CPLs demanded respect from PFCs and got it. 25.You can navigate at night without a GPS. 26.You can remember OPDs about Clausewitz (aka dead Karl) which usually ended with beer drinking at the O'club. 27.You can remember when lanes training was real neat concept. 28.You can remember when 25-101 was a new concept. 29.You can remember when the defense budget was 7% of the GNP. 30.You can remember when the main battle area was the only fight. 31.You can remember when everyone's career track was 10 years in Germany with 1st Armored Division at Ansbach. 32.You remember when the Soviet Union was a major super power instead (albeit the Russian Republic) of being a basket case for the IMF. 33.You can remember when everyone made O-5 by showing up to work everyday. WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J. SIMPSON "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddies, and kids with fake IDs." "Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen." "You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine." "Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel." "If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers." "To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!" "I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'" "I want to share something with you - three sentences that will get you through life: Number one, 'Cover for me.' Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'" "Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda." "Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'" "Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night." "Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get." "Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such." "Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way." "Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name? "We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?" "Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!" "Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'" THE NEW "OVER-40" BARBIES 1.) Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living. 2.) Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand- held fan and tiny tissues. 3.) Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror. 4.) Cook's Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muu-muus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional. 5.) Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. Colors: pink, rose, blush. 6.) No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age- blasting cosmetics. 7.) Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. With minivan in robin's egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch. 8.) Midlife Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do." 9.) Single Mother Barbie. There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walk-up Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included. 10.) Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book, a six-pack of Diet Coke, and a pack of Marlboro Lights. |