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| What people do at different temperatures. 60 degrees - Californians put their sweaters on. 50 degrees - Miami residents turn on the heat. 45 degrees - Vermont residents go to outdoor concert. 40 degrees - You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming. 35 degrees - Italians cars don't start. 32 degrees - Water freezes. 30 degrees - You plan your vacation in Florida. 25 degrees - Ohio water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming. 20 degrees - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation farther south. 15 degrees - French cars don't start, cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you. 10 degrees - You need jumper cables to get the car going. 5 degrees - American cars don't start. 0 degrees - Alaskans put on T-shirts. -10 degrees - German cars don't start, eyes freeze shut when you step outside. -15 degrees - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist. -20 degrees - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start. -25 degrees - Too cold to think, you need jumper cables to get the driver going. -30 degrees - You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start. -40 degrees - Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweater, your car helps you plan your trip South. -50 degrees - Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window. -80 degrees - Polar bears move South, Green Bay Packer (and Buffalo Bills) fans order hot cocoa at the game. -90 degrees - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets. -100 degrees - Hell freezes over. Stay warm! Dearest Wife As you are receiving this note by e-mail, it's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife: Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband P.S. Sure is hot down here. Bumper Snickers We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated. Jesus is coming, everyone look busy. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. Horn broken, watch for finger. All men are idiots ... I married their king. The more you complain the longer God lets you live. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an ***hole. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. I love cats ... they taste just like chicken Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Keep honking, I'm reloading. Hang up and drive. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. Lord save me from your followers. Guns don't kill people, postal workers do. Cats... the other white meat. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT! Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. Friends don't let Friends drive Naked. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal! Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. He/She who laughs last thinks slowest. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock. I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles. Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. -Napoleon Service Rivalry Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Soldier, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the other Marine said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" the Soldier asked. "This fighting between our groups? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?" Did you Know That... The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it. The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night. A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death. A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair. The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes. A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear. Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron; in honor of his brother. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants. More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand. Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump." Marilyn Monroe had six toes. If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white. Women blink nearly twice as much as men. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language. The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with. The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want. TYPEWRITER, is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard. If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left. A snail can sleep for 3 years. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class. China has more English speakers than the United States. The electric chair was invented by a dentist. Vatican City is the smallest country in the world, with a population of 1000 and a size 108.7 acres. The longest town name in the world has 167 letters. Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA. No president of the United States was an only child. The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies. Some mornings it is not worth chewing thru the leather straps.... Ask The Tool Man HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the carton and contents of cardboard boxes delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and expensive new jackets. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop Rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer the intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your garage. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ? socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted wall. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...." HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a vehicle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing the wood splinters of an eight-foot long Douglas fir 2X4 from your fingers. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-dodo off your boot. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating greasebuildup. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air, that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench, that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. Deep Thoughts......by Dennis Miller ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him....Is he still wrong? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it considered a hostage situation? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Is there another word for synonym? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Would a wingless fly be called a walk? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Is it true that cannibals won't eat clown because they taste funny? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread? Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. - Redd Fox |
