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| TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT
YOUR DESK. 10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to." 8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!" 7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm." 6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance." 5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory torward people who practice Yoga?" 4. "Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 3. "The coffee machine is broken..." 2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..." And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at work........... 1. ".....in Jesus' name. Amen." Don't Feed The Bears In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear encounters, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game has issued the following advisory to hikers, hunters, and fishermen while in the field: It is strongly advised that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle grizzly bears that aren't expecting outdoorsmen to be walking in their habitat. It is also strongly advised that outdoorsmen carry non-lethal pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a grizzly. The Department of Natural Resources for Alaska states it is a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and often squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop is larger, has little bells in it and smells like pepper. IF COLLEGE STUDENTS WROTE THE BIBLE The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning--cold. The Ten Commandments would actually be only five--double-spaced and written in a large font. New edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food. Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov. Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates. The place where the end of the world occurs: finals, not Armageddon. Out go the mules; in come the mountain bikes. Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter. Great Balls O' Fire Darwin candidate too. TOKYO (AP) The recent craze for hydrogen beer is at the heart of a three way lawsuit between unemployed stockbroker Toshira Otoma, the Tike-Take karaoke bar and the Asaka Beer Corporation. Mr Otoma is suing the bar and the brewery for selling toxic substances and is claiming damages for grievous bodily harm leading to the loss of his job. The bar is countersuing for defamation and loss of customers. The Asaka Beer corporation brews "Suiso" brand beer, where the carbon dioxide normally used to add fizz has been replaced by the more environmentally friendly hydrogen gas. A side effect of this has made the beer extremely popular at karaoke sing-along bars and discotheques. Hydrogen, like helium, is a gas lighter than air. Because hydrogen molecules are lighter than air, sound waves are transmitted more rapidly; individuals whose lungs are filled with the nontoxic gas can speak with an uncharacteristically high voice. Exploiting this quirk of physics, chic urbanites can now sing soprano parts on karaoke sing-along machines after consuming a big gulp of Suiso beer. The flammable nature of hydrogen has also become another selling point, even though Asaka has not acknowledged that this was a deliberate marketing ploy. It has inspired a new fashion of blowing flames from one's mouth using a cigarette as an ignition source. Many new karaoke videos feature singers shooting blue flames in slow motion, while flame contests take place in pubs everywhere. "Mr Otoma has no-one to blame but himself. If he had not become drunk and disorderly, none of this would have happened. Our security guards undergo the most careful screening and training before they are allowed to deal with customers" said Mr Takashi Nomura, Manager of the Tike-Take bar. "Mr Otoma drank fifteen bottles of hydrogen beer in order to maximise the size of the flames he could belch during the contest. He catapulted balls of fire across the room that Gojira would be proud of, but this was not enough to win him first prize since the judgement is made on the quality of the flames and that of the singing, and after fifteen bottles of lager he was badly out of tune." "He took exception to the result and hurled blue fireballs at the judge, singeing the front of Mrs Mifune's hair, entirely removing her eyebrows and lashes, and ruining the clothes of two nearby customers. None of these people have returned to my bar. When our security staff approached he turned his attentions to them, making it almost impossible to approach him. Our head bouncer had no choice but to hurl himself at Mr Otoma's knees, knocking his legs from under him." "The laws of physics are not to be disobeyed, and the force that propelled Mr Otoma's legs backwards also pivoted around his center of gravity and moved his upper body forward with equal velocity. It was his own fault he had his mouth open for the next belch, his own fault he held a lighted cigarette in front of it and it is own fault he swallowed that cigarette." "The Tike-Take bar takes no responsibility for the subsequent internal combustion, rupture of his stomach lining, nor the third degree burns to his esophagus, larynx and sinuses as the exploding gases forced their way out of his body. His consequential muteness and loss of employment are his own fault." Mr Otoma was unavailable for comment. You might be a soldier if... 1. ...The day after payday you realize you've spent half of your earnings on "champagne" for a woman who speaks broken English and pretends to be interested in your war stories.... 2. ...Instead of a gold chain around your neck, you've got a stainless steel one threaded through a P38... 3. ...Your street addresses have been Infantry Blvd, Howitzer Lane and Helmet Drive... 4. ...Your wife responds to "hooah" and understands what it means regardless of the context you present it in... 5. ...When in a strange place and needing a restroom, you ask where the latrine is... 6. ...When you go camping, you first check for possible avenues of approach 7. ...You ridicule other campers for setting up down wind and down slope of the latrine. 8. ...You're the only one that doesn't complain about having to stand and eat at the same time at parties. 9. ...When you're stopped by police for speeding, you give the excuse thatyou've just returned from Germany where there are no speed limits. 10. ...You're always conscious of your per diem spending limit when in a nightclub on TDY. 11. ...You've ever used your poncho-liner as a bed spread. 12. ...You have a bottle of Tabasco sauce ready for every meal. 13. ...You still have an urge to line up your shoes under your bed. 14. ...Either you or your spouse have a least one pair of camouflage underwear. 15. ...You've ever answered the phone at home like the CQ. 16. ..the only time you and the wife eat without the kids is at the unit "dining out". 17. ...you always back into parking spaces. 18. ...you have to lookup your parents phone number, but can dial the CQ, SDNCO, company, battalion and brigade with no problem at all. 19. ... each page of your vacation atlas has two routes marked. 20. ...your favorite author is Harold Coyle, Mike Malone, or Tom Clancy. 21. ...when your kids are too noisy, you announce "at ease!" 22. ...you don't own any blue ink pens. 23. ...you keep a box of MREs at home and in the trunk of your car in case of emergencies 24. ...when talking to relatives by phone, you end the conversation with "out here." 25. ...you refer to your spouse as "Household 6" or CINC House." 26. ...you've seen Patton enough times to memorize his speech. 27. ...CNN is your favorite program. 28. ...you call the Post Locator instead of Information to find your friends. 29. ...you take the family camping with no tent or sleeping bags. 30. ...your kids can speak three languages by age eight. 31. ...the only suit you own is your Class A uniform. 32. ...you carry your pager to the shower. 33. ...your vehicle is registered on post and in two different states. 34. ...you convince your wife that all ten of your guns are necessary for home protection. 35. ...you have more money invested in TA-50 than in your car. 36. ....you tell your kids to go to bed at 2100 and they try to explain that its only nine o'clock. 37. ....the allotment column of your LES has more entries than the entitlement column. 38. ...no one understands the stories you tell because of all the acronyms. 39. ...you can explain the Gettysburg battlefield better than directions to your house. 40. ....your kids know the words to "she wore a yellow ribbon." 41. ....your two-year old calls everyone in BDUs "daddy". 42. ...the phone book lists your rank instead of Mr.. 43. ...your spouse hasn't unpacked the good china for twenty years. 44. ...your monthly BAS goes to the mess hall. 45. ...you ruin the movie for everyone around you by pointing out the unrealistic military scenes. 46. ...you live on post so you can hear reveille every morning. 47. ....your family calls you "Sir." 48. ....all your jokes begin with "there was this soldier, a marine and an airman..." 49. And the biggest indicator ... if you understood and related to the above list!!!!! Recruiting One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in." said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff." Actual Woman's "T"-Shirt sayings Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares? I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them. Next mood swing: 6 minutes. I hate everybody, and you're next. Please don't make me kill you. And your point is... I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now. I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it. Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later. You KNOW you want me. Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time... Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths? I'm multi-talented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP. All stressed out and no one to choke. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people. How can I miss you if you won't go away? Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy. Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear. Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. Objects Under This Shirt Are Larger Than They Appear. |