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| Letter Home From Camp Dear Mom and Dad, We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are okay. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the Search and Rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OKAY when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine. Love, Cole P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot? Life's Great Truths GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED 1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4. Never ask a 3-year old to hold a tomato. 5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac. 8. Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time. 9. School lunches stick to the wall. 10. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 11. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED 1. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree. 2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. 3. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. 4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires. 5. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts. 6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy. 7. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. 8. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts. 9. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day. 10. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there. Fractured Instructions In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods: On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase nesessary. Details inside. On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box): Do not turn upside down. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: 1. Open packet. 2. Eat nuts. On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. Working for the Government You know you work for the Government in the 90's if: You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and gone through three major reorganizations. The sign with your Office Symbol outside the door is attached with Velcro. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket. When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie. You get really excited about that 2% pay raise. Free food left over from retirement luncheons is your main staple. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet. It's dark when you drive to and from work. Communication is something your "associates" are having problems with. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor. Authorized sick leave is defined as "can't walk or you're in the hospital." You're already late on the assignment you just got. You work 200 hours for the $100 (before tax) On-The-Spot award and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!" Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up," and "I have an opportunity for you." Vacation is something you roll over to next year or just "loose at year end." Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers." The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are hanging in your cubicle. Those "special projects" are more like "drive-by assignments." "VERA" is more than just the old crazy lady next door. You read this entire list, agreed with every sentence and are mentally making the list of friends to forward it to. Stuff to Think About.. * A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. * If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? * If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"? * Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? * What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? * I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. * I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me they were cramming for their finals. * I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use toothpicks? * Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail? * How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there? * If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for? * Clones are people two. * If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong? * Go ahead and take risks. Just be sure that everything will turn out OK. * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. * Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? * Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. * Think "honk" if you're telepathic. * If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? * If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? * I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time." * So what's the speed of dark? * How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow? * After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water? * Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food? * If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? * I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. * Do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? * Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? * Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? * Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? * Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? * How come abbreviated is such a long word? * If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? * Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers? Wisecracks 1. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up. 2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. 3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom? 4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after. 5. Do I look like a freakin' people person? 6. This isn't an office-It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 9. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 10. You! Off my planet! 11. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose. 12. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control. 13. Bottomless pit of needs & wants. 14. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes. 15. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way! 16. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat. 17. Does your train of thought have a caboose? 18. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? 19. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 20. And your cry-baby, whiny opinion would be...? 21. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years. 22. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil... 23. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. 24. A PBS mind in an MTV world. 25. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 26. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you." 27. Better living through denial. 28. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 29. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. 30. Adult child of alien invaders. 31. Do they ever shut up on your planet? 32. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up. 33. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. 34. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 35. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 36. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 37. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes? 38. Back off! You're standing in my aura. 39. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one. 40. How many times do I have to flush before you go away? 41. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong? 42. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor. 43. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2? 44. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. 45. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 46. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. 47. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no. 48. You look like crap. Is that the style now? 49. I plead contemporary insanity. 50. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. 51. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 52. Meandering to a different drummer. 53. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. |
