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| Long Island Driving Rules 1. A right-lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same drivers to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels. 2. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Long Island driver never uses them. Use of them in Massapequa may be illegal. 3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation. 4. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow." 5. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit. 6. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. 7. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs. 8. Construction signs warn you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the backup. 9. Electronic traffic warning signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Long Island look high-tech, and to distract you from seeing the state police radar car parked on the median. 10. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. 11. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour. 12. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Long Island driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot. 13. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire. 14. Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up. 15. It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or the beach. 16. Learn to swerve abruptly. Long Island is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to potholes. 17. It is traditional in Long Island to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes. 18. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way, except in Garden City where it acts as an invitation to duel or play chicken. 19. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding. In Long Island it is common to stop and then decide which direction to turn. 20. Remember that the goal of every Long Island driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary. 21. Real Long Island female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup, and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic. 22. Real Long Island male drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic during daylight hours (who would want to at night?). 23. Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales. Shallow Gene Pool A middle-aged couple with two beautiful daughters decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife became pregnant, and delivered a baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly ugly baby. "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child," he said to his wife. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." When his wife blushed, he became suspicious. "Have you been fooling around on me?" he demanded. His wife confessed: "Not this time." Last Words Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the Gates of Heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter himself. "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" asks St. Peter. The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children." The last guy replies. "I would like to hear them say.... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!" Fight Club Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!" "Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!" "I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?" Good Horse Sense A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he asks. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she replies. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explains. She looks satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he asks, "What the heck was that for?" She answers, "Your horse just phoned." Cutting Remarks Three surgeons meet at an operating room to find three patients waiting=for surgery. One is a librarian, one is a mathematician and the last one is a politician. The first says, "I prefer to operate on the librarian, as his organs should be in alphabetical order." The second says, "I prefer to operate on the mathematician, as his organs should be all numbered." The third says, "I prefer to operate on the politician, as he is heartless, gutless, spineless. And his brains and posterior are interchangeable." Last Judgment Saint Peter was at the gates of Heaven interviewing this man. He said, "You haven't done anything bad, but you haven't anything good either. If you tell me just one good thing that you've done, I'll let you in." "Well," the man replied, "I was traveling on the road when I saw a group of thugs robbing a woman. So I went up to them and shouted for them to stop. Unfortunately, things got a little out of hand and I ended up punching out their leader. Then I challenged everyone else of the group to fight me." "Wow," Saint Peter said, "That is good. When did it happen?" "About 2 minutes ago." |
