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| Follow the Leader Jim and George are in a bar talking about horseracing. Jim is going on and on about how he understands the sport and always wins at the track. When he finally gets around to asking George what happens to the horses he follows, George says, "The horses I follow usually end up following the other horses." Bird Brainiac The cruise ship magician has been doing his routines every night for two years now. The audiences appreciate him, and they change over often enough that he doesn’t have to worry too much about new tricks. However, there is a parrot who sits in the back row and watches him night after night. Finally the parrot figures out how the tricks are done and starts giving it away for the audience. When the magician makes a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks, "Behind his back! It’s behind his back!" This infuriates the magician, but he can't just kill the parrot because it belongs to the captain. One day, the ship springs a leak and sinks. The magician manages to swim to a plank of wood floating by and grabs on. Low and behold, the parrot is sitting on the other end. They just stare at each other as they drift and drift. They drift for three days and still don’t speak. On the morning of the fourth day, the parrot looks over at the magician and says: "OK, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?" Fool for Fashion The trendy dresser fancied himself quite the lady-killer, and was delighted to find a note pinned inside a new shirt. It contained a girl’s name and address and asked the recipient to send a photograph. How romantic, he thought to himself, very taken with the idea that this mystery woman was so eager to meet him, and promptly mailed off a note and a photograph. Heart aflutter, he opened her response. It read, "Thanks for writing. I was just curious to see what kind of guy would buy such a funny shirt." Fumbling Fathers The exercise during history class one day was for each of the students to list whom they considered to be the 11 greatest Americans. After half-an-hour, everyone had turned in their papers except Irwin, who was still scratching his head and thinking furiously. "What’s up?" asked the teacher. "Can’t you come up with 11 great Americans?" "I’ve got all but one," the student explained hastily. "It’s the quarterback I can’t decide on." Strike One It was only her second date with the diehard baseball fan, and Helene was a little nervous. It was her fault that they arrived at the stadium a full hour after the game had begun. Taking her seat, Helene glanced up at the scoreboard. It was a tight pitcher’s battle, bottom of the fifth, 0-0. "Look Charlie," she exclaimed in relief, "we haven’t missed a thing!" Disgruntled Employer Two weeks after Paisley’s transfer into the promotion department, his old boss got a phone call. "You told me Paisley was a responsible worker!" yelled the furious head of promotion. "Oh, he is," she confirmed. "In the year he worked in my department, the computer went down five times and had to be completely reprogrammed, the petty cash got misplaced six times, and I developed an ulcer. And each time Paisley was responsible." Tip for Tat At a posh Las Vegas casino, a blackjack dealer and a player with a 13 count in his hand are arguing about whether or not it is appropriate to tip the dealer. The player says, "When I get bad cards, it’s not the dealer’s fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously has nothing to do with that either, so why should I tip him?" The dealer replies, "When you eat at a restaurant do you tip the waiter?" "Yes," the gambler concedes. "Well then, he serves you food. I’m serving you cards so you should tip me." "OK," says the gambler, "but the waiter gives me what I ask for--I’ll take an 8." |
