KID:  "Mother, doesn't God give us our daily bread?"

MOM:  "Yes, dear."

KID:  "And Santa brings us our toys at Christmas?"

MOM:  "Yes, dear."

KID:  "And the stork brings babies?"

MOM:  "Why certainly, dear."

KID:  "Then what's the old man hanging around for?"

Irv and Sol, are walking down the street when Sol turns to Irv and says, "Irv, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?"

Irv says, "Sol, how long do we go back? Thirty years?  We've been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you."

So, they keep walking.  After a couple of minutes, Irv turns to Sol and says,  "Sol, if you had two of those luxury, playboy-type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?"

Sol says, "Irv, you and me are like brothers, you were best man at my wedding, you attended my son's Bar Mitzvah, we have gone to the same shul together for all these years. If I had two of those luxury playboy yachts,  exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Irv, I really would give the other one to you."

They keep walking.  A couple of minutes later, Sol turns to Irv, "Irv, if you had two chickens..."

"Now hold on there! Sol, you KNOW I've got two Chickens!"

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

The impotent bus driver goes to see his doctor.  He wants some Viagra, but he doesn't want his wife to know about it. The doc prescribes it for him, he heads to the pharmacist, who fills the prescription.  Home is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the little blue pills.

When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell his wife with words.  That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes.  They tear off each others clothes and are quickly in bed.

He manages to "rise to the occasion" three times.  *Three times!*  He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad.

"What's wrong, dear?" he asks

"I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's doing you in," she sighs.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service.  Nothing for ages, and then -- three come all at once!"

One night after his evening service, a priest decided to take a walk. A wrong turn led him into the red light district. On the first corner, he saw a hooker dressed in a halter and hot pants leaning against a lamppost. Seeing the fallen woman, the priest went up and said, "My dear, I have spent my nights praying for you."

"No need to do that, Father," the hooker said. "I'm here every night. You can have me any time you want."

"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me!  Every night I have the same horrible dream.   I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five drop dead gorgeous women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."

The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"

"I push them away!"

"I see.  And what can I do to help you with this?"

The patient implored, "Please, Break my arms!"

The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest may in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."

Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on  the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."

Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again  he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."

He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"

This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord!  Hit him again!"