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| Floundering Fisherman The fishing party was hopelessly lost in the deep woods. The sun was going down and the mosquitoes were starting to bite when one of the fishermen growled, "I thought you said you were the best guide in Minnesota." "Oh I am," replied the guide firmly, "but I’m pretty sure we’re in Manitoba by now." Fowl Luck The farmer’s son was returning from the market with the crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, anticipating the worst. "Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly,"but I managed to find all twelve of them." "Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven." Finger Food A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat. "Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "You have your hand on my steak!" "What?" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?" Killer Performance When the orchestra began playing Tschaikovsky’s Romeo and Juliet overture, a woman noticed tears beginning to run down the cheeks of the elderly man she was seated next to. Before long he was sobbing outright, so she turned to him and said gently, "You must be an incurable romantic." "Not at all," he gulped. "I’m a musician." Behind the Scenes A guy works in the circus, following the elephants with a pail and shovel. One day, his brother comes to see him. He says, “Sam, I’ve got great news. I’ve got you a job in my office. You’ll wear a suit and tie, work regular hours, and start at a nice salary. How about it?” Sam says, “What? And give up show business?” Home, Jeeves The newly rich real estate developer splurged on a Rolls Royce Silver Shadow and couldn’t wait to show it off. So after a meeting with the manager of his bank, he offered him a ride home. “Whaddya think?” he couldn’t resist asking his passenger after a mile or two. "Pretty snappy, eh? I bet you’ve never ridden in one of these before.” “Actually I have,” the banker replied graciously, “but this is my first time in the front seat.” Gratuity Not Included When a wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a surgeon was seated at a nearby table. Springing up, the doctor deftly removed the bone and saved his life. As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon profusely and offered to pay him for his services. "Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully. "Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you’d have offered when the bone was stuck in your throat?" |
