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| Signs You Live in a Modern Age 1. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains. 2. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 3. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. 4. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors. 5. You can get hair-styling services online. 6. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks. 7. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases. 8. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. 9. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix. 10. You consider 2nd day Air Delivery and Inter-office Mail painfully slow. Watch Out For That Tree A state trooper pulled a car over on a lonely back road and approached the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?" The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rear-view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener." New Sheriff There was a sheriff looking for a new deputy, and a Redneck went in to apply for the job. "OK," said the sheriff, "What is 1+1?" The redneck thought for a minute, and finally said, "11." The sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter T?" The redneck said, "That's easy, Today and Tomorrow." The sheriff said, "Now the last question, who killed Abraham Lincoln?" The redneck thought really hard, and at last said, "I don't know." The sheriff smiled and said, "Well, why don't you go home and work on that." So the redneck went home and his wife asked him how it went. The redneck replied, "Great! He already put me on a murder case!" 20 Fun Things to do in an Office 1. Remove the jug from the water cooler and drink from it periodically, bragging that you 'got the last one.' 2. Photocopy things around the office, such as lamps, potted plants, staplers, etc. If someone asks about it, just say 'You never can be too careful.' 3. Turn your radio up full blast and sing along loudly with the song. Invite others to join you. 4. Pretend to be hypnotized by someone's screen saver. 5. Go into someone's office, grab a book from their shelves, and begin reading it aloud to them. If they interrupt, give them an evil look. 6. Give a secretary a copy of Hamlet and ask them to proofread it. 7. Use a hole punch to punch holes in all your outgoing mail. Explain that the holes 'make it more aerodynamic'. 8. Bring a lawnmower into the office and pretend to mow the carpet. 9. Bring a TV remote control to the office and try to 'change the channel' on people's computers. When it doesn't work, mumble something about 'cheap Japanese crap.' 10. Pull a chair up to your window and pretend to be working at a drive-through. 11. Stand at the washroom door carrying a baseball bat and ask everyone in a low voice if they washed their hands. 12. Gnaw on your mouse, make cat noises, and lick your hands from time to time. 13. Walk into people's offices, taking a careful look around. Talk into your shirt, saying 'No sign of him yet, Chief.' 14. When the phone rings, answer by saying 'KBBL, you're on the air.' 15. Proudly show everyone your calculator and hand out cigars. Tell them your computer just had a baby. 16. Paint your face blue and start searching around in people's desk drawers. Ask them if they've seen your pills. 17. Create a document that is entirely black and print hundreds of copies. Use the print-outs as wallpaper for your office. 18. Build a fire pit out of cinder blocks in the staff room. Place a stack of firewood in the corner, along with matches, lighter fluid, hot dogs, and marshmallows. 19. Place a row of liquor bottles on your desk, and a sign on your door which reads 'NO COVER!' Announce loudly that it's happy hour. 20. Get in the elevator and pretend to hold the door open for invisible people. Bye Mom A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye mother!' it would make me feel much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good bye mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk. Bad Day A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?" He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!" In The Back Seat Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his ol' man. "Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me for sixteen years." |
