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| Penguins in the Back of his Car There was a guy driving down the road with two penguins in the back of his car. A policeman pulled him over and said, "I suggest you take these penguins to the zoo." The man took a look at the penguins, and then agreed. The next day the same guy, still with the two penguins in his car, got pulled over by the same cop. The cop said, "Hey Buddy, I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!" The man looked at him proudly and said, "I did, I'm taking them to the park today!" Ticket Please.... Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all Three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers buy no tickets at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket please." Some take longer..... A man and a women walk into a bar and order a drink for everyperson in the bar. They are very happy. When the bar-tender asks them why they are so happy, they reply: 'We finished a jigsaw puzzle in only two months'. 'Two months?' the bar-tender exclaimed, 'it's not supposed to take that long.' 'That's not true,' said the woman, 'it said 2 to 4 years on the box.' You'll get us both fired..... One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoos most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that its a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lions cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, 'Help, Help me!', but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, 'Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?' You know you worked during the 90s if..... You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for 3 different organizations. Your resume is in a diskette in your pocket. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise. You learn about your layoff on the news. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job. Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the developing countries' gross national products combined. It's dark when you drive to and from work. Communication is something your section is having problems with. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple. Being sick is defined as "can't walk" or "in the hospital." You're already late on the work task you just got. You work 200 hours for a $100 bonus check. "Vacation" is something you roll over to next year, or a check you get every January. Your relatives and family describe your job as "working with computers". Your business cards are no longer correct just a month after you receive them. You have every "Cup-A-Soup" brand known to man in your desk drawer. You have no hobbies that do not involve an electronic device. During any outside-of-work event that vaguely resembles a social activity, your co-workers outnumber your family members. You must fill in your own job performance evaluations and target goals because no one else really knows what you do anyway. Besides, the Human Resources Department was outsourced last month. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you've lost your best jokes. You read this entire list and understood it. Applying for a Job Fred was applying for a job as a flagman/switch operator on the railroad. The chief engineer was conducting the interview. "What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?" Fred quickly answered, "Well, I'd call my brother." The chief engineer just sat there for a second. "Why would you call your brother?" "He's never seen a train wreck before." Making a Good Impression A young executive was leaving the office of a major corporation late one evening when he found the CEO himself standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. Eager to make a good impression, the young exec introduced himself and asked if he could be of any help. "Why yes," said the CEO, holding up the piece of paper. "This is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive, happy for a chance to help the boss. The young man turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I'll need two copies." |
