Wonderful Weekend...

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive store. ''Show the lady your finest mink!'' the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the owner discreetly whispers to the man,

''Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.''

''No problem! I'll write you a check!''

''Very good, sir.'' says the shop owner. ''Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared.''

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged, ''How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn`t a single penny in your checking account!!''

''I just had to come by,'' grinned the guy, ''to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!''

What day is this?

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I-ll bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.

At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!

Dalmatian...

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started to discuss the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

"I know!" said a third...

"They use it to find the fire hydrant!"

The Watermelon Patch...

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.

After some careful thought he comes up with a clever idea that he thinks will scare the kids away for sure. So he makes up a sign and posts it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, which says, "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." So the kids run off and make up their own sign, which they post next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next day to look over his field. He notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives over to the sign and takes a look.

It says,"Now there are two".

The LAPD, The FBI, and CIA...

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'

Getting The Job

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE STAR WARS CHARACTERS WOULD KICK BUTT IN THE STAR TREK UNIVERSE:

1. In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "stun".

2. The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp --- The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.

3. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable --- After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.

4. One word: Lightsabers.

5. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.

6. The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.

7. Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.

8. Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.

9. The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named "Slave I".

10. Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power --- Han Solo floors it.