A Place To Sleep

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.
I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired traveller assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning, John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. When asked about how he slept, he replied, "Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope. I shut him up in no time."

"How'd you manage that?"

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful.' With that he sat up all night watching me."

Three Men and A Lamp

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Ft. Lauderdale for a two-week period helping out on a project.

About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

The Business Executive and Secretary

A business executive named Witherspoon went on a convention and took along his secretary. They arrived at the hotel very late in the evening and were told that all the rooms were taken except one, and it was a single. "No problem," replied Mr. Witherspoon, "just put a cot in there for me and we'll share the room.

A few moments after Mr. W. and the secretary had gotten into their respective beds, the secretary sheepishly asked, "Mr. Witherspoon, it's awfully cold tonight, would you mind getting up and shutting the window?" The boss replied, "Well, let's see, if you're cold, how would you like to pretend that you're MRS. Witherspoon tonight?" "Oh, Mr. Witherspoon, I'd love to!" "Good! Then YOU get up and shut the window!"

Goin' Fishin'

A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole.

All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice."

The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."

The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!"

The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?"

"No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey area!

Corporate Talk

Helping you figure out those slick and glossies from companies recruiting here are what they actually mean.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.

"IMMEDIATE OPENING"
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

"PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS"
After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.

"COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT"
We have a lot of turnover.

"EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT"
Guys in grey suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.

"JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM"
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"FLEXIBLE HOURS"
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control. .

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.

"ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD"
You whine, you're fired.

The Farmer

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

A Helping Hand

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.

He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty. Would you like to join me?"

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."