A Good Mystery

A mystery-lover take his place in the theater for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theater, far from the stage.

The man calls an usher over and whispers, "I just love a good mystery, and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher nods and says he will be back shortly.

Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket at the Will Call window and snatches it up.

Returning to the man in the back of the theater, he whispers, "follow me." The usher leads the man down to the second row, and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle.

"Thanks so much," says the theatergoer, "This seat is perfect." He then hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The butler did it in the parlor with the candlestick."

Drumming Up Business

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a very well-dressed, middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on a huge stack of bright pink envelopes. Each envelope has hearts all over it. The man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentines cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Bowl Of Chili

A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile.

The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.

He says, "Are you going to eat that?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."

He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

Two Engines

A large two engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down.

"No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half-power. Further on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the trainhad stopped, and made the following announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The badnews is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that this is a train and not a plane."

The Koala Bear

A Koala bear walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich and the bartender brings him a sandwich

The Koala eats the sandwich and gets up, spins around, pulls a pistol out of his pouch, shoots the piano player, an proceeds to walk out of the bar.

The bartender, in shock, shouts to the Koala, "hey who do you think you are, you ate my sandwich and shot my piano player, and just where do you think your going!

The Koala replies, "Hey I'm a Koala. Look it up."

The frustrated bartender pulls out a dictionary from behind the bar and looks up Koala: "n. a marsupial that eats shoots and leaves."

A Duck In A Convenience Store

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.

The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!"

The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

Stuck On The Island

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until the boat sank! The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him.

In disbelief he asks her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place, " she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck.

As they walk into the house, her beautiful breasts bouncing with each step, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home.

Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end, inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses.

"What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and a shell necklace-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias.

She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound. He's truly in luck: "You mean...", he gasps, "...I can actually check my e-mail from here??"