One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry," said the Auctioneer. "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

On their wedding night, Amanpreet displays his "magnificent beast" to his new bride, Lori, and tells her it's the only one in the world.  She, of course, believes him.

He's gone to a conference for a couple of weeks. Upon his return, Lori questions him.

"'Preet, I thought you said you had the only one in the world. But, Quint, down at the drug store, has one, too!"

"Well, uh, " Amanpreet stutters, "you see, Quint and I were, uh, in the Air Force together, yeah, that's it, in the military, and I had two, so, uh, I gave him one of mine."

Lori sighed.  "Oh. I see. Well, why did you give him the *best* one?"

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then leave this pub right now!" and approached a second man.  "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then leave this den of Satan," said the priest, as he walked up to O'Toole. "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"No, I don't Father," O'Toole replied.

The priest looked him right in the eye, and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die, yes, Father.  I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle.  When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him. It hit him in the temple and killed him.

He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at the big book and said, "I see you were a golfer, is that correct?"

"Yes, I was," he replied.

St Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?"

The golfer replied, "You bet.  After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?"

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a cross and one a Star of David.  Both are holding hats to collect contributions.  People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross.  Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the star of David is empty.

A priest watches and then approaches the men.  He turns to the man with the Star of David and says: "Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country?  You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."  And he walks off.

The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says: "Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?"

Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night's big date. "So, how'd it go, Harry?"  asked Gil.

"Terrible," admitted Harry. "The moment we got back to her place the phone started ringing. There must have been fifteen calls from guys wanting to ask her out. It never stopped, and we never got started."

Gil tried to comfort him. "It could have been worse, Harry. After all, an attractive young woman's allowed to have her number in the phone book, now isn't she?"

"Yeah, but not in the Yellow Pages."

Husband, upon meeting ex- after two years of separation: "Listen honey, why don't we have a few drinks, dinner, go to my apartment and really make love?"

Ex-: "Over my dead body!"

Husband: "You haven't changed one bit."