At The Store..

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began. The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."

Two Rednecks

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said "lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat".

"What fer?", asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch".

Elderly Couple at McDonalds

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.

Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth.

Pizza Delivery

"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when, Jason, a college boy delivered his pizza.

"Well," Jason replied, "this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great."

"Is that so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," Jason said, "I'll put it in my college fund."

"By the way, what are you studying?" inquired the man.

Jason replied, "Applied psychology."

A RICH Cheater

There was this couple who had just gotten married.On the honeymoon the husband placed a box under their bed he says to his wife, "Honey as long as we are married never ever look in this box." Being the good wife she was she obeyed him and did not look in the box. After 15 years of marriage she never looked in the box. Until one day she could not take it she had to look in the box or she was going to go crazy. So she looked in the box all that was in there were three cans and a thousand dollars. Later that night at dinner she looked at her husband and said,"hon, I looked in you box the one under the bed."

"Oh," said the husband.

"Why are there three cans in your box?" asked the wife.

"Dear, every time I cheated on you I put a can into the box." replied the husband.

"And the thousand dollars?" questioned the wife.

"Well you see when the box got full I had to recycle."

Pet Octopus

A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender "give us two beers over here!" The bartender walks over and see's the octopus and he says, "Didn't you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed." The man say's to the bartender, "oh but you don't understand this is a special octopus and he can play any instrument that you have." The bartender replied back "well I'll tell you what if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free"

The bartender went up to the band playing and he got a guitar. He put it down on the bar.

The octopus crawled up on the bar and felt around the guitar for a little while when finally he picked it up and started playing it. He was so good he sounded like Jimi Hendricks!

The bartender was amazed and at this point he said "alright lets try one more" This time he went into the back room and brought out a dusty old set of bagpipes promptly put them on the bar and said "lets see him play this."

The octopus started crawling all over the bagpipes. He continued this for quite a while, when the bartender shouted out " See I knew he couldn't play all these instruments" The man replied, "Just give him a moment, as soon as he see's he can't have sex with it, He will play it!"

Little Old Lady

A young man was walking through a super market to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him.

"Pardon me," she said. "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "as I'm leaving, would you say 'Goodbye, mother?' It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" Then, as he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.00. "How can that be?" he asked. "I only purchased a few things!"

The clerk replied, "Your mother said you'd pay for her."