Missed Communication

Two guys were sitting at a restaurant talking. The first guy looks at his friend and says, "You know, a funny thing happened to me today at the bus station. I saw this beautiful blonde behind the counter, and instead of saying, 'I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh,' I said, 'I'd like a picket to breastburgh.' Then she slapped me right across the face."

His friend chuckled and said, "Something similar happened to me. I was sitting having dinner with my wife. During the meal I meant to say, 'Could you pass the peas,' but what I ended up saying was, 'I should have never married you, you ugly slob!'"

Great Son!

A young lad's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked
his son if he got a part. The boy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son.

Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

Give Me The News, Doc...

The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The patient said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."

UFO

A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed by a gas station on a lonely country road.

On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him.

"Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked.

"No," one of the other-worldly travelers responded, "It stands for "Unleaded Fuel Only."

What a Pretty Necklace

A tourist was admiring a tribal necklace at a roadside gift shop. "What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that alligator's teeth mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh, no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

How Sweet

Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said."There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." "Season's more than half over," he said.

Doctor Doctor

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor, I think I'm shrinking!!'

The doctor calmly responded, "Now settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."