Home For The Holidays!

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

Who Wants To Be a Millionaire

A husband and wife are watching "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire," and the husband winks and says, "Honey, let's go upstairs..."

The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.

So the husband says, "Is that your final answer?" The wife says yes.

The husband says, "Well, can I phone a friend?"

12 Shots

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots, and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."

The bartender asks, "What do you have?"

The guy answers, "75 cents."

The Psychic Said...

Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:

"Will I be acquitted?"

The Big Bad Bug

A man was sitting down watching his t.v. one evening, when he heard a loud knocking on his door. Wondering who on earth it could be, he jumped up to answer it. There, standing before him, was a large beetle who proceeded to beat him up. The next evening, there was the same knocking at the door.

Cautiously the man answered the door. Again, there was the beetle, and the same thing happened. The man took himself down to his doctor with his cuts and bruises and explained the whole situation to his Doc. "Hhmm," said the doctor, looking at his wounds, "I'd heard there was a nasty bug going around!"

The Hike

A blonde, a redhead, and brunette decided to go on a hike.

The redhead said, "I brought water, so in case we get thirsty, we will have something to drink." And she started up the hill.

The brunette said, "I brought food, so in case we get hungry, we will have something to eat." And she started up the hill.

The blonde followed.....

The brunette and the red head turned around and said, "What'd you bring?"

The blonde said, "I brought a car door. In case we get hot, we can roll down the window

The Blonde and the Ventriloquist

A world-renowned ventriloquist is doing a huge show in Madison Square Garden for thousands of people. In his act, he throws in a few blonde jokes here and there. At the end of the show, he is backstage when a blonde woman approaches him, visibly shaken.

"I just want to tell you how disgusted and offended I was by your show tonight. The way you made fun of blondes was unnecessary and uncalled for!"

The ventriloquist was completely taken aback. He had no idea that his show would ever offend anyone!

"Ma'am, I am so sorry. If I had any idea that I would offend audience members, I would never have done the act, and I am very sorry." He said sincerely.

"No, no," said the blonde. "I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to that bastard sitting in your lap."